I have had the privilege of viewing different relational dynamics and I’ve learnt to spot undercover toxic friends. Furthermore, I have been able to assess my personal relationships to show that I too at times exhibit certain traits that can make me a bad friend.
I used to get so riled up (sometimes still do…) until I accepted the inevitable fact that toxic people are toxic not because of what someone has necessarily done to them, but because there is something within them that they need to address. I’m not writing about scenarios where an individual has massacred your family members or any other grim travesty, I’m talking about toxic people who just can’t bring themselves to be happy for you without extra effort.
Friends affect us in diverse ways and the amount of influence they have on us can impact a large part of our lives, largely in a positive way. Being socially connected is very important to our happiness and friends have the potential to bring out the best in us. However, this same closeness also makes us very vulnerable. Some friends can affect us in ways that aren’t in our best interest and when there’s conflict or instability, these friendships can become toxic and take a toll on your well-being.
There’s a lack of trust.
Doubting whether your friend is trustworthy is a clear sign that your relationship is not as strong as it should be. The feeling of betrayal by a friend will undoubtedly affect how much you trust them but there are also smaller issues which compound overtime and make for a destructive friendship. For example, repeatedly asking them to do something that is important to you but being constantly slighted. These things can chip away at your trust and affect what you’re getting out of your friendship.
Competition is real.
Competition can be healthy and it’s even expected in many close circles. However, having a friend who is constantly trying to one-up you is an entirely different situation.
But having a friend who constantly tries to one-up you is another situation entirely. It’s frustrating when you feel that they are constantly jealous, which in turn can make you feel insecure. Although normal, these feelings can get in the way of a healthy friendship. Reactions to competition differs in everyone, but some common reactions are being defensive or standoff-ish. It also causes you to hold back on being truthful about your current experiences and causes conversation to be rigid, which in turn takes from the quality of your connection.
If you find yourself always caught up in unhealthy competition with a friend, it’s time to reevalutate the place of that person in your life.
Behaviour is inconsistent
I understand that people are busy so communication may be lax, or in my case, you may just be bad with keeping in touch with people (hides face). Everyone has their good and off days, but being consistent is key with regards to the quality of friendships. There is an expectation for friends to be there irrespective of situations we may be in or people we are with.
When a friend acts differently in public than they do with you in private, or is inconsistent with their treatment of you, this can cause friction in the friendship.
Also, these friends may not always be mean-spirited, but even light-hearted teasing (about genuine issues), unsolicited feedback, and being ignored can be hurtful and make you insecure about your friendship, especially when it happens repeatedly.
Recognising that a friendship is unhealthy doesn’t mean that ties need to be cut, but the best sign of a healthy friendship is being able to communicate how you feel and what you need and possessing an openness to hearing your friend’s feeling and needs. You also need a willingness to work on things together.
What are some of the signs of unhealthy friendships you’ve come across in your circle? Comment below or on Instagram, let’s start a conversation.